Finding Meaning: Book Analysis
Life has been a little busier than usual lately and after multiple attempts at writing this analysis/reaction, I finally am carving out the time to do so. So here we are. Finding Meaning: The Six Stage of Grief by David Kessler had been on my radar of books to read for a while. I was introduced to this book while listening to one of my favorite podcasts, The John Delony Show. He always says “grief demands a witness” on his show and it is a nod to David Kessler’s book on grief. It was my mission to understand the reference and learn from a grief expert the complexities of grief and loss.
David Kessler is a reputable grief expert and counselor. He lectures on the subject all over the world and had the opportunity of working with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist that introduced the five stages of grief (Kübler-Ross model). According to the Kübler-Ross model there are 5 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
David Kessler expanded her model by adding a 6th stage: meaning. It is important to understand this model was created to describe not prescribe the process of grieving. The stages are merely an overall map of the various stages one can go through while grieving. It does not mean you have to experience them in order or that you did not grieve if you didn’t experience all the stages. Critics of the model focus heavily on the lack of empirical evidence to support the stages. However, this model was created out of empathy not to judge how we should grieve. (SN: Criticism is inevitable, inescapable, someone will always disagree with your idea no matter how altruistic you deem it to be.)
Kessler expanded the Kübler-Ross model with the addition of meaning as the sixth stage of grief. What does meaning mean in reference to loss? How can we possibly even find meaning in something that brings us so much pain? Kessler believes that meaning is the very thing that helps us sustain the love we have for that person as we continue to live. Meaning is relative and personal. It takes time to develop. It does not require us to understand why a person died to find meaning. Your loss is not a test, lesson, a gift or a blessing. Loss is something that happens in life and meaning is what you make happen. Meaning can only be defined and cultivated by you.
David shared his experience of losing his mother and how he was not granted the opportunity to be with her at her death even after the doctors informed them she had a couple days left. He was only 13 years when his mother died. She died in the ICU around the same time as the “New Orleans Sniper” mass shooting. I cannot begin to imagine the amount of stress and overwhelming pain he was feeling during this time. Fast forward decades later, Kessler finally was given the chance to be in the same space his mother died alone in. Now as a grief specialist, he was in New Orleans giving a lecture on this complex topic. I couldn’t hold back the tears while reading this part of the book. It was hard to get through.
So why does Kessler say “grief demands a witness”? The answer lies in the importance of vulnerability. He says, “The act of witnessing someone’s vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgement”. Though death ends a life, it should not end relationships we have with others and our love for them. While validating feelings, it is vital to not give death any more power than it already has.
What if you loss a pet? Does it still mean you can grieve? Of course. I love what Kessler says of this: “If the love is real, the grief is real”. The depths of love are experienced through loss and grief, and love takes many forms.
How can I live after experiencing loss? Kessler uses the ship sailing analogy to convey the significance of living a life after loss. Pain could represent our “safe harbor”. All ships must sail one day. In the same way, we must risk loving again, finding new adventures, and living intentionally. In other words, we cannot remain in the harbor of pain. Our life must go on. After all, time does not make any exceptions, it continues to tick away.
Something to keep in mind is the following:
“Choosing to live rather than to passively exist is not a dishonor to the loss of your loved one".
The only way to avoid loss is to avoid love. And avoiding love means avoidance of the joys in life.
My hope in sharing this post with you is that you are kinder to yourself as you experience grief in life. That you may find meaning in the life you have left to live. And that you allow yourself to experience the beauty of life again.
One of the first songs about grief I listened to as a child. I remember Tito Nieves on a talk show discussing it was about his son that died of cancer at 24. Writing this song to honor his son was his way of grieving.
I totally sobbed while this song played in “A Star is Born”. Really pulled my heart strings. (Pun unintended)
